I am on an Alaskan Cruise

Let’s talk about boundaries

There is a word that is fairly popular today - it is a concept I didn’t grow up with. It’s called “boundaries.” I learned it in my 40s.

An analogy to explain boundaries to begin with -

I own a home. I have a backyard fence for my dogs to hang out in. The dogs cannot escape the fence. Other dogs cannot get inside the fence, either. The fence is a boundary.

If a neighbor walks up to my fence and comes through one of the gates, they are crossing my boundary. And I have a right to enforce my boundary: “I don’t want you to cross my fence’s gate unless I invite you.”

A polite person who is healthy about boundaries will say, “oh, excuse me, okay, I won’t do that again unless you invite me.” And everything is happy and fine as long as they stick by their word and don’t cross the boundary.

Now, if said neighbor decides to come over every day and do this, I have a few options. It seems they won’t honor my obvious boundary. And I have told them “thus far and no farther.”

So my options could be to hang up a “No Trespassing” sign. If that doesn’t work, I could call the police and have them escorted from my property. And/or I could write them a certified letter saying, “you are not allowed within 50 feet of my home. You are not permitted to come in my yard. You are not permitted to open my gate.”

If you keep a copy of the letter and the information about the fact that you mailed it “certified mail,” then if they continue, you can take the police report and the letter and other information (like a timeline of when you did each of these steps) to a court and file an order of protection.

I want to point out that at no time did I say, “reach into their brain and change their behavior.”

It is incredibly important to realize, clearly, that we cannot change other people.  We can’t. They will do what they are going to do. A boundary says, “if you cross this, I will take this action.”

I have a friend who was in a rocky relationship with a touchy person who exploded a lot.

My friend told them, “if you’re going to yell at me and call me names, I will leave the room. I will only be part of conversations with you if you are speaking to me nicely. If you call me names, I will leave the room, also.”

And then when that person resumes their pattern of verbal abuse, it’s up to you to enforce the boundary, because the other person is not going to do it.

It gets tricky if they follow you and continue to berate, demean, argue, and continue their verbal and emotional abuse.

If it is consistent enough, please do whatever you can to get out of the relationship. Go talk with a Librarian and find out what resources there are in your town to help you escape an abusive relationship.

——

So I am on an Alaskan cruise this week. I am typing this up while we are on a bus in Juneau - the capital of Alaska. I can schedule this post to run because I finally have phone signal! Yay for 4G signal in the capital!

The scenery is so beautiful! Yesterday, we saw whales playing around in the ocean in Icy Strait while we ate salmon & bison in a yummy restaurant right by the port.

On the ship, generally speaking, people are super friendly and respectful of personal boundaries; I will say more about this when I talk about elevators in a few paragraphs. I think of a personal boundary is like having a bubble around you. If you extend your arms out from your sides, and gently spin in a circle, that’s about the size of a personal boundary for so many of us in the USA.

What does this boundary protect? It protects our personal space. “Don’t touch me inside this bubble. Don’t put your hand on the small of my back. Don’t reach other people’s clothes and try to pull back their shirt to look at their tattoo.

Sometimes, I will be in a gas station and see that the lady at the register will have beautiful, manicured nails. I usually say, “may I please see your nails?” And they oblige by showing me their hands.

I never reach forward and touch their hands (I don’t know if that’s respecting a boundary or because of my germaphobe nature or not liking to touch people in general), but they have made it clear that I am welcome to look at their nails. So I look and tell them their nails look beautiful. It’s a lovely exchange for both of us.

Personal bubbles seem to get smaller in elevators. People get in to elevators and have their pattern of standing there. Most people proceed to the back and stand in the back corners. Then others will line the wall and go in the middle. And people who didn’t arrive in there together will do what they cannot to touch each other for the duration of the elevator ride.

[A bitmoji cartoon-style image of Jodi, crammed in a hole in a tree with 3 squirrels, and owl and a raccoon.]

I have heard that other countries (probably like China and Japan), the personal bubble is a lot smaller. I read once about a plane about to take off from China to the US.

People were packed like sardines in all the front rows.

The back part of the plane was empty.

So once the captain turned on the “you don’t need to stay in your seats” light , two people got up and booked it for the back of the ship.

Everyone from China is so used to be surrounded by people, that they stayed. But the two people from America felt uncomfortable being that close to everyone, so they moved where there were plenty of empty seats.

I said I am on a bus going through Juneau as I type this - and even my own group of 4 are sitting in the back half, each of us in our own seat!

There are so many kinds of people and boundary levels.

My whole family is on a cruise right now. It’s a family trip. Someone else bought a ticket for the same trip “because she wanted to go.”

I have been struggling with this complete lack of boundary from this person - horning in on a family trip without giving anyone on the planned trip even the courtesy of asking, “is it okay with all of you if I attend?” To me, this is a boundary that should not be crossed. It’s not my friend and I don’t know this person, nor do I really care to know the person, either, frankly.

And now I know this person has a complete lack of boundaries. As a result, I have no interest in cultivating a relationship with this particular person. My energy is better spent, elsewhere, doing things that bring me joy and peace.

What kinds of boundaries do you have? One of my most strict boundaries is I do not share eye makeup. I also don’t share makeup at all, honestly. I have shared a little with one of my sons when he wanted to try some. He is my son - we share DNA and he is definitely my family. So this boundary can be a little flexible - sometimes there can be a gate in the boundary. It doesn’t have to be a complete wall. Or maybe it can be!

Here is one more short anecdote. My own Mum and I, about 10 years ago now, had a HUGE falling out with each other. We mutually agreed, “I am done [with this relationship with you].” It was mutual. We have our reasons.

And yet, in May of 2023, I was driving up to the Pacific Northwest area of the USA. And I had my passport and thought, “maybe she would be okay if I just take her out to lunch.”

So I found her on Facebook and sent her a note through Messenger with a few of my life updates (I got divorced, I have dogs now). I knew I was crossing a boundary. I guess you could say I was knocking on the door.

She blocked me. She clearly put up her boundary. And now I know it’s permanent. It’s sad. And it’s also permanent. I won’t knock on her door again, as sad as it is to be estranged from my own biological Mum.

It’s so important to know what your personal boundaries are and honor other people’s boundaries, even if you don’t understand them.

Someone says “no” to an invitation, and you don’t understand why? You don’t need to understand why. Please just understand they have a boundary and respect it. Don’t harp on them and beg them to attend something they don’t want to.

Is a friend driving you bonkers with their neediness? Take a step back and ask yourself, “is there a way I would be okay interacting with this person? How often per month or year? Doing what? For how long each time?” And then work towards doing  that. You don’t even have to let them know you’re putting up new boundaries in the relationship.

Boundaries:

They are something to think about.