I heard about boundaries in my 50s and I am still figuring out what exactly they are.
As usually, your post triggers all kinds of memories - from calling the cops on the Ex to the most recent outing where someone else's abusive Ex invited themselves to.
But the one that really struck me was your story about your Mom. I'm glad you talked about what happened (or didn't happen) in the Pacific North West. You didn't go into detail during the trip, so I wondered what happened. This was "the rest of the story". Thank you for trusting us enough to share.
I was blocked by a couple of people recently, and it's an interesting experience for sure. Some of the people who blocked me were enforcing boundaries - others can't handle the truth and would rather not know what I have to say. I also just unblocked my Ex a few days ago.
People have a million reasons why they don't talk to you. I won't talk to my Ex, because nothing good can come of it. If he were to knock on the door I would not open it any more at this point. I suspect that you feel similarly about your ex (and whoever else hurt you so badly).
Imagine for a moment though, that they are not better, and you are still vulnerable to their manipulation. They have had enough therapy to know that they can and will not change, so they will hurt you - but they love you and they'd rather not. For a narcissist, not to contact the object of their abuse is an expression of love.
I miss my mum, because our DNA wires every one of us to want our parent. But it’s best if she & i, and also her family & I don’t contact each other. I grieve this maybe daily, and definitely more often than weekly.
Sorry I didn’t reply sooner; i had no wifi to speak of when I was on the ship in Alaska. I couldn’t afford the Internet on the ship, and the folks who purchased it said it was lousy anyway & they couldn't send emails or load anything.
I paid for the Internet when I was on a cruise (that one time :-) ) because I was trying to actually get work done. But we were in Norway in the fjords - and sometimes there is is no Internet in the fjords. Oh well.
I blocked him, because he made me fee uncomfortable. I was pretty sure he was obsessed with me and I wanted to give him as little ammunition as possible. When he went to the nursing home and his kids cleaned out his apartment, is became clear just how obsessed he was and that I had been correct all along. And I am not afraid an more. Having him see the same things on my page that the kids see makes it easier on the kids. And I want him to see that I have a great life. (He won't know about the tears an night.)
Something like that. I can always block him again, if I change my mind.
Hear, hear. I didn’t learn about boundaries until I was about 65. Oof. I wasn’t taught boundaries, I was taught to be invisible and please everyone around me. I like ok back now and cringe how I was stepped on. Now,?as I change and exert my slowly learned boundaries, my so called friends don’t like it. Instead of - what happened to you? I get - what’s wrong with you? Or worse yet- I liked you better depressed.
Big hugs. I relate so much to what you’re saying. I trampled all over myself trying to make everyone else happy. And it felt like no one else reciprocated.
And once I realized I also deserve to work on my own happiness, it came as a shock to the people I used to beat myself up to please previously
Great post! I do think it's ok to ask someone if it's ok to ask, "Why?" But if they say they don't want to discuss it, that's a good thing to respect. I've had some nice discussions and resolutions that way, especially with family. I think gauging who you're talking to and whether it's important comes into play there. Sometimes "no" is enough!
Oh. I totally agree with you. For sure. It’s generally okay to ask why. Gauging is important.
But if someone doesn’t want to share, that’s okay too.
I know for me, I can’t always explain “why.” It can be a gut-feeling or a feeling-from-experience that can’t be put into nice words and so many other kinds of reasons.
Also, it’s exhausting for people who suffer from chronic pain to have to explain “why” all the time to people who will never truly understand.
Thank you so much for your comment. 100% what you said.
I heard about boundaries in my 50s and I am still figuring out what exactly they are.
As usually, your post triggers all kinds of memories - from calling the cops on the Ex to the most recent outing where someone else's abusive Ex invited themselves to.
But the one that really struck me was your story about your Mom. I'm glad you talked about what happened (or didn't happen) in the Pacific North West. You didn't go into detail during the trip, so I wondered what happened. This was "the rest of the story". Thank you for trusting us enough to share.
I was blocked by a couple of people recently, and it's an interesting experience for sure. Some of the people who blocked me were enforcing boundaries - others can't handle the truth and would rather not know what I have to say. I also just unblocked my Ex a few days ago.
People have a million reasons why they don't talk to you. I won't talk to my Ex, because nothing good can come of it. If he were to knock on the door I would not open it any more at this point. I suspect that you feel similarly about your ex (and whoever else hurt you so badly).
Imagine for a moment though, that they are not better, and you are still vulnerable to their manipulation. They have had enough therapy to know that they can and will not change, so they will hurt you - but they love you and they'd rather not. For a narcissist, not to contact the object of their abuse is an expression of love.
I am curious what made you unblock your Ex?
I miss my mum, because our DNA wires every one of us to want our parent. But it’s best if she & i, and also her family & I don’t contact each other. I grieve this maybe daily, and definitely more often than weekly.
Sorry I didn’t reply sooner; i had no wifi to speak of when I was on the ship in Alaska. I couldn’t afford the Internet on the ship, and the folks who purchased it said it was lousy anyway & they couldn't send emails or load anything.
I paid for the Internet when I was on a cruise (that one time :-) ) because I was trying to actually get work done. But we were in Norway in the fjords - and sometimes there is is no Internet in the fjords. Oh well.
I blocked him, because he made me fee uncomfortable. I was pretty sure he was obsessed with me and I wanted to give him as little ammunition as possible. When he went to the nursing home and his kids cleaned out his apartment, is became clear just how obsessed he was and that I had been correct all along. And I am not afraid an more. Having him see the same things on my page that the kids see makes it easier on the kids. And I want him to see that I have a great life. (He won't know about the tears an night.)
Something like that. I can always block him again, if I change my mind.
Hear, hear. I didn’t learn about boundaries until I was about 65. Oof. I wasn’t taught boundaries, I was taught to be invisible and please everyone around me. I like ok back now and cringe how I was stepped on. Now,?as I change and exert my slowly learned boundaries, my so called friends don’t like it. Instead of - what happened to you? I get - what’s wrong with you? Or worse yet- I liked you better depressed.
Big hugs. I relate so much to what you’re saying. I trampled all over myself trying to make everyone else happy. And it felt like no one else reciprocated.
And once I realized I also deserve to work on my own happiness, it came as a shock to the people I used to beat myself up to please previously
Great post! I do think it's ok to ask someone if it's ok to ask, "Why?" But if they say they don't want to discuss it, that's a good thing to respect. I've had some nice discussions and resolutions that way, especially with family. I think gauging who you're talking to and whether it's important comes into play there. Sometimes "no" is enough!
Thanks for the great fence/gate metaphor!
Oh. I totally agree with you. For sure. It’s generally okay to ask why. Gauging is important.
But if someone doesn’t want to share, that’s okay too.
I know for me, I can’t always explain “why.” It can be a gut-feeling or a feeling-from-experience that can’t be put into nice words and so many other kinds of reasons.
Also, it’s exhausting for people who suffer from chronic pain to have to explain “why” all the time to people who will never truly understand.
Thank you so much for your comment. 100% what you said.