Multiple Personalities

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Some time in the last 2 years, I was diagnosed with “Dissociative Identity Disorder.” This was formerly called, “Multiple Personality Disorder.”

It has been difficult for me to put this experience into words. But I want to try here, because words are starting to form now, in my head, about this.

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When I was Four Years Old

I remember when I was about 4-5 years old, thinking to myself, “I need to sit here and remember my memories, or I will forget them.” And I would periodically review my favorite or most dramatic memories.

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Being a Professional Creative Painter

Fast forward -

Some time after college, I worked as a painter. I painted picture frames in bulk for hotel chains and corporations to buy artwork to outfit multiple spaces. This was one of my favorite jobs. I loved that job. I could take any brand new, plain, oak frame and make it look like antique mahogany. I could paint frames to look like blue and white china. I painted plaid. I used gold or silver leaf like an expert.

I also designed & painted frames to look like moss. I designed a few frames, too, that had a bubblegum pink peeking through, then green and white stripes on top, and they actually sold to clients!

At some point in the work, I was standing at a sink, washing out my paint brushes, and a gal who worked there told me she could never forgive me for having said something very cruel to her. I was in shock, I didn’t remember ever talking with her. She told me what I’d said, and I was horrified that I had said such a thing. I had no memory of it. I apologized right away and I don’t blame her for staying angry at me. I still feel awful about it. I hope she has gotten over it by now - it’s been almost 30 years since it happened.

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My Understanding Therapist

I talked with my therapist about this experience I had, earlier this year. And I have told her other things that have happened, too — things people have told me I did, that I have no memory of. She asked me about a month ago if I wanted to start to integrate the personalities. I told her I am scared. And she is helping me spend time, energy & emotional work to get through the fear. I don’t feel comfortable explaining more about this at this time, in this newsletter; it’s going to be work, and we haven’t started the integration yet.

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My Partner is Playing a Key Role in All of This

I want to give a shout out to my partner. He is the first person (besides my sons) that I have felt emotionally safe with. And he has maintained this emotional safety throughout the course of our relationship. We started our journey together over the phone. For months. Then years. We couldn’t be together in person, but we could talk. For hours and hours. We got to know each other over the phone for quite a while. I broke up with him twice, because of my own fears. He has seen me melt down multiple times, in multiple ways. He has been a safe place for me to land when I am having a meltdown or expressing enormous fear or anger at something.

And I feel safe around him. This is HUGE. I have been feeling consistently safe now, for about 2 years. Again - this is HUGE!

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My therapist asked me about the clothes in my closet. She asked if there are things in there that I don’t recognize. I hadn’t thought about it. So I went and looked - and sure enough - there are clothes in there that I don’t recognize. I have no memory of buying those items, or wearing them.

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Shoes On My Feet

Recently, I was on a “I would like to update my flip flops with nicer sandals” kick. I looked and looked and looked for sandals. I just couldn’t afford the ones I liked. I went to San Diego with a friend and we went to a nice shoe store. They didn’t have my size in the color I wanted - for 4 different pairs of sandals!! I walked out of there with nothing. It was quite discouraging.

I hired someone to help me with my clutter recently. She helped me pair down & donate scores of things from my home. She and I went through 98% of my closet in an afternoon. I tried things on. The donate pile was huge again, despite the fact that I had already donated a lot of things TWICE in the last year. Twice!!

We got down to the floor level of the closet, and out came a pair of sandals that are just what I have been looking for !!! They look like feminine, pretty, white, Birkenstocks. I tried them on. They needed a little breaking in because the foot bed isn’t quite perfect for me (it never is), and now I wear them all the time! I feel so much better being in pretty sandals instead of my tired, worn out flip flops that look so junky.

[Turbo thought I wanted a photo of him, not of my sandals. He wasn’t completely wrong.]

I have no memory of buying these sandals. But I am so happy to have them!

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“Trauma Jodi” and “Safe Jodi”

I have started to put into words, the different Jodis that are inside of me. So far, I can only say I know that there is “Trauma Jodi,” and “Safe Jodi.”

A few months before my dad died, I started what turned out to be an incredible healing journey for me. My Mum in Canada recommended me a book, “Discover Your Soul Signature” by Panache Desai. This was back in 2014. I started reading it in September or October of 2014. (Wow - exactly 10 years ago.) I didn’t get very far with the book. My dad went rapidly downhill starting in October, and then died in late December. I then entered a grieving state that I am not sure I will ever finish. My dad was my anchor in life.

I then proceeded to lose my faith in the god I had been taught to believe in, growing up, gave up any faith in any god, and then walked away from the religion I had grown up in. My Canadian Mum and I had a fallout and we still don’t speak, to this day.

I realized I couldn’t remember things I used to love - I was experiencing “anhedonia.” This is something that is deep sadness, beyond depression. I remembered being happy when I was younger, but I didn’t know how to be happy anymore. I started trying things to find happiness again - I started with smelly markers that used to bring me joy as a kid - blueberry, strawberry, lemon. I colored anything on index cards and hung them around my room. It was a start. I tried playing violin again. It has taken me YEARS and a lot of very hard work to start to find happiness again. I’m getting there, now, 10 years later. It has definitely been a LOT of work for me. I also sought necessary medical help as I needed it, and therapeutic & necessary psychiatric help.

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Painting Kitchen Cabinets

My partner is rebuilding his entire kitchen. He has been working on it for over 1 1/2 years at this point. He’s gotten to the point where it’s time to build the cabinet doors, get them painted, then hung on the cabinets. I love to paint, so I’ve been doing all the painting work in the kitchen.

He set me up with a clean space and all the things I needed, to paint these doors. The table I am at is covered with cardboard that’s been taped down by blue painters tape. I have stood there for a few hours at a time, meticulously painting these cabinets. I let them dry, then I come back for another coat. Then another coat later still.

[Painting cabinet doors dark marine blue.]

Standing at that table, leaning over, using paintbrushes I have picked at the hardware store (2” brush, short handle, chisel tip), it all reminds me of the days when I was a picture frame painter. The cabinet doors are about the same size as those picture frames. They aren’t identical, of course, but the experience is, to my body, is a strong memory for me, of who I used to be, when I was happy, working at one of the favorite jobs I had in the past.

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Safe Jodi

[Traveling with my violin - this is at a beach in New Jersey, I think?]

I’m also playing violin a lot more now - it took effort to get where I am now. I gave 2 concerts in this last month. This is also a way that I am finding memories of Safe Jodi - playing violin. Smelling the rosin, tuning my violin, changing the tension on my bow, smelling the inside of my old violin case. Talking with my stand-mates. I am finding more and more safe places now, to be myself - Safe Jodi. I am safe at home. I am safe at Orchestra practices. I am safe, performing the music, even if I know I don’t play it perfectly. I am safe when I am cuddling with my dogs. My younger, smaller dog, Turbo, is a champion hugger. I call him “aggressively affectionate.” And he makes me laugh so often. Safe Jodi is starting to come forward.

Trauma Jodi is starting to fade now. And Safe Jodi is coming back out and starting to live her life.

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Today - Audible.com

So, today, something happened - and what happened just now - in the last 30 minutes - is why I wrote this whole newsletter:

I went to my Audible.com account to buy a book that a teacher/friend recommended to me - “Artemis Fowl.” The original version, not the movie version. She also cautioned me not to watch the movie, either. She said the author does an outstanding job making the setting rich and wonderful. And the movie version is no good. Fair enough! I remember this same scenario about Battle School inside “Ender’s Game,” and being so eager to see it on the big screen - and then the disappointment of just having 1 scene combine everything in the movie instead of the discovery of all the different tactics used in that last battle.

So I bought the book, “Artemis Fowl,” and then I clicked around on my Audible to see how many credits I have. I haven’t spent any in a while, but it always seems like I have 1 or zero credits. I saw a special offer going on in Audible right now that says: “Spend 3 credits, get 1 free!” It expires November 22.

I thought, “oh no, I just spent a credit! I should have clicked this first!” But then I went & looked at my credits — I have 4 left! Like I said, I haven’t spent any credits in a while.

I then went to my Audible Wish List. I save titles on there when I don’t have credits, to wait until I do. I figured I would probably really want 8-10 of the books, and have to choose 3.

I started scrolling my Wish List, and it was filled with hundreds of books I’m not interested in. There are a LOT of self-help, non-fiction books. There are a few romance books. I scrolled on and on. I have been building this list for years and years. Maybe even 20 years.

[A handful of books that are probably very good books, but I don’t think I will ever get around to purchasing most of them or reading/listening to them.]

And only one book (about Creativity, by John Cleese) looked interesting and almost made me spend my credit.

I backed out of all of it to ponder what happened. And of course I realized what happened - I am in Safe Jodi mode. I am not in Trauma Jodi mode. I (Safe Jodi) didn’t make that list.

And I wanted to share, because this is the biggest example I have of my Dissociative Identity Disorder / Multiple Personality Disorder experience.

I am grateful to be having these experiences, because it tells me I really AM returning to “who I used to be.”

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I would sincerely appreciate comments on this one.

This newsletter is a scary topic for me to share, so I would appreciate supportive, kind comments.

Also, please feel free to share this newsletter with friends & family & folks you know who have been through a lot of trauma.